Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Do These Pants Make My Junk Look Fat?

Call me crazy but I want to bring back the codpiece. I know it sounds dumb but really it would serve multiple purposes. It’s most obvious function is to protect Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers1, because who wouldn’t be thankful after a close call or two. Things that include (but not limited to) something that sounds as staged as a stray football striking you in the dick as you are strolling through the park trying to enjoy your day (America’s Funniest Home Video's style), or something as simple as you taking a seat and your pants pinching/squeezing the boyz (I spell it with a ‘Z’ because mine are currently trying to update their image to a much cooler one than they previously had).

If the codpiece is successful in making a comeback I’m not talking about some weirdo ass shit like this either. If you search ‘Modern Codpiece’ you will find plenty of bad codpieceing examples. By the way, just noticed that ‘Modern Codpiece’ totally sounds like a magazine for 21st century codpiece enthusiasts. Maybe they’ll give use a write up if they realize I’m only here for support…much like a codpiece (also, no one would ever eat cod fish again, probably). BTW, I think that is TOTALLY that dude from the Twilight movies see…

     Also, a codpiece would also help to protect society. How you may ask? Well, I will tell you! Three words: Awkward Public Erections. That’s right, I said it! I’m sure there’s probably someone out there who gets erections in public at inopportune times (cough * cough * puberty * cough * cough). That’s where the codpiece comes into play. Its job would be to shield the world from any awkward erections in public, and honestly who doesn’t want protection from erections (it should be in the Constitution)? Also, as an added bonus it makes your junkular region appear more prominent…without looking like you're carrying around a flashlight in the front of your khakis (I never said how big of flashlight though). Sure some might call it false advertising but whatever gets customers to the merchandise I always say (that’s also why I would probably run a horrible business).

     Now that the general pitch is out of the way, let's talk marketing shall we? If the codpiece is to make a comeback it has to be a multifunctional piece of technology, because catching the eye of the tech community is the only way this can work. Other than being essentially something that keeps freak accidents from happening to your assorted nuts, it would have additional features.
-USB ports so you can charge your cellphone
-Supports: IOS, Bluetooth, hands-free use, GPS, and of course your testicles.
-Can be used as a personal Wi-fi hotspot.
-Can be synced up with your phone so you can receive your email and texts through it. Plus, every time you get an email or a text and it vibrates that might be kind of fun. Also, you get to make as many ‘Text-ticles’ jokes that you want.
-It can totally replace your wallet. Other than the ‘main compartment’ it has additional places to store cash, drivers licenses, and other cards. In addition, it can be synced to your Apple Pay account. To use, simply wave your crotch over the pay pad at any establishment and viola!
-Additional features: retina display, 6 full TB of RAM (you know what the fuck I mean…nudge, nudge, wink, wink), 12-megapixel/Facetime HD camera, and fingerprint sensor for added protection.
-Comes in Gold, Silver, and Space Gray.

     Now that the main specs are out of the way, let's talk names. Really I only have 3 so I’m open for suggestion. The first is the “Bone Phone” (NOTE: Can’t make phone calls unless you, 1.) sync with your cell phone, and 2.) are comfortable talking directly into your crotch in front of people). The second name is the “Apple Smart Crotch” (basically, owning up to the idea that it’s like the Apple Smart Watch only for your junk. Based off of this it could also be a cock ring…but with changeable dick bands). And the final name (and my personal favorite) is “The iCod” (also available in the iCod S and the iCod Plus for the bigger fellas).

Reference Material
1=If you don’t like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, other testicle/band euphemism replacements are as follows:
The Rolling Stones
Hootie and the Blowfish
They Might Be Giants
Tenacious D
Modest Mouse
The Goo Goo Dolls

Monday, February 27, 2017

The Time I Saw a Chicken Cross the Road (Kind of)

It’s one of the oldest questions/jokes in the world. Why did the chicken cross the road? Did he do it to get to the other side? Well I don’t know about that first chicken, but the time that I saw it happen, apparently the reason the chicken crossed the road just so it could take a few steps out, see a car coming (that would be me), shit in the road, and then run back into the ditch towards his house almost making me wreck in the process. Basically how it all happened was I was driving to my parent’s house in the country, I came around the corner, I looked down to change the song on my iPod (I’d love to say the Chicken Dance song came on but that would be a lie), I look up and I see not one but a group of chickens trying to cross the road. Only one made it onto the road, though. The rest stayed in the ditch because either they were too smart or too chicken.

The only real reaction I can remember having was me hearing myself yell, “Is that a fucking chicken, and why is he crossing the road?” I literally never thought that sentence would be completely applicable in my life and be said with 100% seriousness. It was probably one of the most surreal moments in my entire life. I mean that would be like walking down the street and then you ACTUALLY see a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister, walk into a bar. 

Anyway, after swerving to miss the chicken I felt pretty proud of myself. I was proud of being quick enough on my feet that I was able to avoid a head-on collision with anything, much less a chicken. I’m not really sure what would have happened if I would have driven head first into, literally a set up to a joke that’s older than Daffy Duck. But I theorize that 1 of 3 things would have happened:

1.) A Hyundai would have taken out a group of chickens,

2.) A group of chickens would have collectively taken out a Hyundai, or

3.) A vortex would have opened up, sucking me into Toon Town from the movie ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’. 

Thank God that didn’t happen, though. I went on my way and the chicken went back into his yard towards his house. Really the only thing that still kind of bothers me about the whole situation is the fact that the chicken had a fucking house! I mean really??? I don’t even house.