Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start


I’m not really sure where I stand on video games honestly. Lately, I’ve been playing WAY more games than normal, but it ebbs and flows for me. One thing I wasn’t quite prepared for though was the fact that, apparently there are people out there who put their online video gaming account names on the bathroom wall (as in…"For a good time Xbox live me at CrazyDickMcGee73.”) Don’t believe me, check this out…

…and…

Yep…that’s TOTALLY written on a urinal.

By the way, I’m aware I could have gotten a more panned out photo of all of this but more important factors I had to keep in mind for these shots were: 1.) I was in a bathroom (probably looks a bit weird to be taking random pics in the bathroom so I tried to make it quick), and 2.) my junk was out. And if we’re being honest here, I wanted to take and post a dick pic to my blog about as much as all of you would want to see that. So you’re welcome. And people told me taking a Photography class wouldn’t come in handy. First thing they teach you in Photography class, make sure your dick is out of frame.   

As far as games that I have been playing, I think I want my character that I created in ‘South Park: The Stick of Truth’ to be my new driver’s license photo. Truthfully, it looks so much like me (minus my beard) that it’s a bit scary...
I created this guy because I look like him for the most part, but I also I really like to wear vests and awkwardly pose in my bedroom too.

…It was a bit disheartening however that this avatar was one of the first ‘white dude characters’ that came up in the game. Basically, it’s made me realize that the way that I look is essentially the default white guy choice in most games/in life.

In the past few months, I’ve probably played 20+ games (mixture of Xbox 360/1 and Sega Genesis), which is pretty impressive when you consider before that I probably had only beaten maybe 3 console games in my life. Most of my gaming in my 20’s was via apps on my phone. Basically, what that translates too is I spent A LOT of time playing Angry Birds. Mostly at the end of drunken nights right after I just finished eating a bag of 2 for $1 Jack-In-The-Box tacos but before I completely passed out. In doing so I really only have two thoughts on that game. One, I bet Angry Birds is a completely different app in England. And two, I’ve always wondered if those little green pigs were the love children of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Now that I think about it, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy smushing their genitals together really explains a lot of shit. 1.) the Angry Birds pigs, 2.) it explains where the hell Dr. Seuss found green ham, and 3.) I’m pretty fucking sure that in some alternate universe Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog are Yoda’s parents (I mean, dude sounds just like her).  

However, recently (around console game #22) something happened that I didn’t expect. I had a game almost completely ruin my life. Ok, that’s probably a bit of an overstatement. In reality, I probably should have been paying closer attention. Either way, I kinda feel like I should stop playing ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’. The only reason I say that is because one day I kind of confused me actually being if traffic for me playing GTA 5 (in my defense there is a fuck ton of driving in that game). Basically, at a stoplight I caught myself daydreaming about driving my car into traffic just so I could hijack a better car, then driving it down to a strip club so I could buy some drugs and have sex with a stripper. Followed by a quick robbing of a liquor store, then capping that off with a brisk high-speed police chase. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I noticed I didn’t have a tiny map in the left corner of my screen. That and there was some dude behind me honking and yelling, “DRIVE ASSHOLE!” I don’t recall that happening on GTA 5.


P.S.
There’s a game call ‘Farming Simulator 17’. That means there are 16 more. What this tells me is that apparently anyone can come up with a game that seems boring as fuck but they just slap ‘Simulator’ on the end of it and it gets made. The following are some suggestions to the makers of the ‘Farming Simulator’ franchise, just incase they’re interested in making some more boring ass games.
               -Watching Paint Dry Simulator
-Listening to someone with a Really Monotone Voice Give a 2-Hour Speech Simulator
-Waiting In Line at the DMV Simulator
-Rush Hour Traffic Simulator
-Filing My Tax Returns Simulator
-Doctors Waiting Room Simulator
-Watching People Play Video Games Simulator
-Small Talk Simulator