Apparently, a lot of people think that they have bad handwriting (or at least it's what they tell me...possibly to make me feel better about mine). It’s not really something to be proud of though. I mean if you’re just trying to relate to me that’s cool, but if you do it by saying you have bad handwriting then you shouldn’t ever let me see it. Especially if looks like an inspirational quote that someone saves to their Pinterest profile.
If I see this after you tell me how bad your handwriting is I’m fuckin’ swingin’!!! Ok…probably not but I’m still gonna be pissed.
The reason it bothers me? My handwriting is…THE. FUCKING. WORST. It’s what a bar fight would look like if you tried to write it down. I mean, Charlotte from Charlotte’s Web has better handwriting than I do. And she writes with her ass. If I didn’t hate spiders for enough reasons, now I can add jealousy to the list (side note: like a dip shit I originally spelled Jealousy as Jellosea). So the spider that writes with her ass has perfect penmanship (second side note: I originally misspelled that as penmanshit…serendipitous much???) but I write with my hand and it looks terrible. The proper way to address it would be “chicken scratch” but (sticking with the ass writing analogy) you could probably put a pen in a chicken’s ass, let it drag it across the ground a couple times, and it would most likely still look better than my handwriting.
A little back story real quick, my mom thinks it’s because I broke my right arm when I was around 10, but I’ve had 20 years to bounce back and it ain’t happened yet. At this point that can’t really be an excuse anymore. It’s like saying, “Yea, I know my son STILL lives with me but that’s just because he started smoking weed when he was 16. Sure he’s 37 now, but he should be getting his shit together any day now.” To make matters worse I write with my right hand, but I’m pretty sure that it would look just as shitty if I wrote with my left hand. I tried to find the silver lining by thinking that maybe I’m just really bad at being ambidextrous, but I’m pretty sure you have to be dextrous before you can even attempt being ambidextrous. Maybe to make myself feel better I’ll just take a sedative and binge watch ‘Dexter’ so I can at least say I’m Ambien-Dexter-ish. That’s close enough right?
Even when I do forget how bad my handwriting is, all it takes for me to remember is someone at school that needs to see my notes for something that they missed. Not sure how to describe the look they have when they see my handwriting for the first time but as soon as I show them my notebook their eyes glaze over and they get this thousand-yard stare. Kind of like when you’re trying to make a sandwich but all that’s left are the two ass ends of the bread. That is usually followed by, “Never mind bro, I’ll just take this class again next quarter.”
Seriously, the end pieces of bread kinda suck!
At this point, you may be kind of curious as to what my handwriting actually does look like. Bluntly put, anytime I write something it automatically looks like a logo for a death metal band. In fact, to prove my point, below are two images. One of these photos is a logo for a death metal band and one is a photo of my handwriting. I’ll let you decide which is which…
If you guessed both are my handwriting then you’re right! Option A is my name printed and option B is how I write it in cursive. Some people may put a cutesy smiley face in their name when they sign it in cursive, but not me. I always throw an upside down cross in there (lower right corner). Why you may ask? Cause nothin’ say, “This fucker has class” like an upside down cross in the cursive version of his name, that’s why!