So I have a commercial idea for a particular fast food chicken restaurant. Seeing as how they have ignored my emails soliciting my idea I figured unleashing it onto the Internet would be my next best course of action. That being said I could see how they might be hesitant to go with my commercial, as it may be a bit controversial for a chicken restaurant. I hope this doesn’t ruffle anyone’s feathers (sorry, that pun was pretty fowl…sorry, so was that one) but basically my idea is to do cross promotion with the UFC, only instead of guys fighting its chickens. Sure it’s cock fighting, but not to the death (and not with penis’ either).
The commercial begins with the president of the organization, The Colonel aka Dana Whitemeat standing in the middle of the ring, welcoming the fans to their latest pay per view, KFC 139: Coup in the Coop. As soon as they hear the announcement the fans rise to their feet and the fighters begin to make their way to the ring. The camera pans out and it is revealed that the ring in the middle of the arena is actually a bucket from the restaurant. I decided to go with a bucket in the commercial for multiple reasons. One it’s kitschy, and two because I imagining that KFC wants to put out the vibe that they only use cage-free chickens. Having them fight in a cage would send the wrong message here.
Here's the KFC Champ himself..."The Cock-A-Doodle Dude" aka 2-PIECE!!!
First the challenger, Brewster “The Bruiser” Rooster enters (NOTE: I would have made puns of actual MMA fighters here but I didn’t want them to kick my ass in the future…that and I couldn’t think of any). As soon as the crowd begins to quiet down the champs music hits and out he comes...the one and only KFC champion, “The Cock-A-Doodle-Dude”…2-PIECE!!! As soon as he comes into frame we can see that 2-Piece is wearing a shirt and hat emblazoned with the name of his sponsor “Take Out”. As he walks to the ring the commentators mention the fact that, as of late 2-Piece was involved in a growth hormones scandal but he was tested and cleared to fight (even though he’s clearly doping because chickens don’t normally have abs). They also bring up the fact that 2-Piece is considerably older than his challenger, stating that he’s no spring chicken anymore but he’s been training really hard so you can’t put all of your eggs into the challenger's basket (sorry again, I just had too).
As the two competitors stand beak to beak in the ring, the announcer comes over the microphone, “Hens and Cocks, IT’S TYME…along with 11 other herbs and spices!” The fans go crazy again as the fight begins. 2-Piece quickly establishes control, catching “The Bruiser” in a submission hold. As 2-Piece furiously continues choking the chicken on the mat, “The Bruiser” is able to force a break and the referee stands the two back up. The fighters square off once again and simultaneously attempt to go for a combo but as soon as they hit one another they immediately turn into a family meal, filling up the bucket that they were just fighting in…complete with your choice of sides1. Seeing as how there was no clear winner it goes to the judges and in a unanimous decision, the fight is declared, “Finger Lickin’ Good” (cue the logo).
1-Now serving cauliflower ear…ok, that’s too far.