I now believe, without a shadow of a doubt that all the spiders EVER are totally coming after me because they know how many of their gross fucking relatives that I’ve killed (it literally feels like I’m living an Arachnid version of a Mob hit). The worst part is I never know when they’re going to show up, but when they do I know there’s always gonna be a lot of them. Now, this may sound a bit paranoid but I really think it’s a consorted effort on their part. I believe the spiders have planted a really tiny tracking device on me, they watch my every move, and just when I’ve gotten to the point where I think I can enjoy my life again BOOM, they dispatch an army of nightmares to totally ruin my week. And to be honest I’m not sure how to combat them. Do spiders have a garlic-to-vampire equivalent? I mean I could wear RAID as cologne from now on but fuck that! However, if we’re talking hypotheticals (or possibly super duper experimental, Dr. Frankenstein-esque surgery…cause that’s WAAAAY better than just wearing Raid for the rest of my life) it would probably help if I had eyes in the back of my head just so I could see them coming from all sides, but even if I did have eyes in the back of my head I’d only have 4. Those little creepy bastards would still have me beat by a total of 4 more. Sure, I could put glasses on my 4 eyes bringing me up to par with the technical amount that the spiders have but it still wouldn’t be the same.
Anyway, enough fucking around, here’s what happened. I was sitting in Sociology class, listening/taking notes/being an all around awesome fucking student, when I looked down and saw a spider crawling down my shirt (that’s right, from the top of my shirt down which means he was near my face and I didn’t know it…shudder).
As soon as I saw it I of course killed it. The only problem is, I was sitting in the front row and I’m positive the professor saw me (because I did a full body spasm/almost flipped out of my chair just in an effort to kill one tiny spider…so how could he not) so I’m pretty sure he now thinks I’m a complete and total weirdo. To make matters worse, that wasn’t the only spider in my area. I saw another one sitting on the wall near me, like he was staring at me sending me a message along the lines of…
“I saw what you did bitch! Just you wait! The spider king is not going to like this.”
It would be beautiful if I could say that this was where the intimidation/strong arming (x8) tactics of these spiders stopped, but it didn’t. Later I was sitting in my car with my driver’s side window down (because it was a nice day) waiting for a student advising meeting. I was looking at my phone that was sitting on my stomach (because I’m such a lazy fucking slob/WINNER that I can’t even be bothered to use my hands…scratch that…I can’t even be bothered to use one hand to hold my phone), when I saw an adequately sized shadow moving quickly across my stomach…then across my phone…then my seemingly catatonic left hand…then my stomach again. I look up only to see an even bigger spider (possibly the pissed off mother of the first group of spiders…one of which I killed) furiously crawling across the edge my windshield, making it’s way to crawling inside my window (the furious pace is from what I can only assume is, to make me totally fucking pay BIG TIME from my earlier actions). As fast as I could I begin trying to roll up my window, but car-rolling-up-window-button-motors totally down play the severity of the situation and instead it just looks very melodramatic. In the end I got the window rolled up in time (after almost just crawling out the passenger side window in a panic and leaving the car for the homeless to make it their sex cottage). It was like living in a scene from an Indiana Jones movie (like the scene where the boulder was rolling after Indy, only it’s significantly smaller than a boulder…but compared to regular sized spiders it was a pretty big fucking spider).
After I killed the second spider, I hyperventilated into a paper sack for a few minutes then went to my advising meeting. As I sat down in my advisors office I was hoping that my day of confronting these, most likely terrorist linked ISISpiders (THANKS OBAMA!!!) was over. Then I look over and see that my advisor had a humongous plastic spider on his shelf staring right at me, and that’s right around the time I yelled, “FUCK YOU, I LIKE FLIPPING HAMBURGERS!!!” and then I left college completely (ok, that’s not totally true…I’m still In college and maaaaaaybe I didn’t yell “fuck you” to my advisor either). But I do think that this was the coalition of spiders sending me a message. Something along the lines of, “This is the size of what’s coming after you next”. Either that, or inside of the eyes of this huge plastic spider there were pinhole cameras sending back video footage to the spiders evil lair. Either way, I’m now mixing 2 parts Raid into every bottle of cologne I own (because surgery to add additional eye balls is expensive as F).
It’s official…this year I’ve been in bed with more spiders than women. Of course I could have probably also said that 4 spiders ago (FYI I’ve been in bed with 4 spiders this year).
A friend just told me that apparently spiders hate peppermint. This is going to explain a lot in the future if anyone asks me why I chug a bottle of peppermint schnapps before bed.