Friday, April 21, 2017

Average Cup-O-Joe

I’m not 100% sure about this but I think it’s a Hollywood stereotype that ALL badass dudes drink their coffee black. If that’s true then my biggest takeaway is apparently the only thing keeping me from being a complete and TOTAL badass is about half a cup of almond milk…also the fact that if it’s too hot it burns my delicate little tongue. Sorry, I just don’t have the leathery, belt-like tongue from eating glass, siphoning gas from vehicles, and other assorted things badasses do that allows me to drink hot coffee. I’m working on it though (I’m re-enacting every episode of MacGyver in chronological order).


I didn’t really start drinking coffee on a regular basis until around the age of 28. When I finally did it was probably good that I tried it at the house because that first cup was STRONG! I felt like I had freebased on ground up magical unicorn horns made out of the imagination of children. Ok, that may be an over-statement...but I did feel like it gave me a sixth sense that allowed me to hear colors. Of course, now I know that was all bullshit and I was just SUPER DUPER drunk on coffee, but at the time I thought I could listen to purple’s opinions on George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

This is an artistic interpretation of how I looked when I was strung out on coffee like a crack head.

Surprisingly, I still drink coffee. Actually coffee and I are now in a serious, long-term relationship and I think I'm in love. Ok, that’s probably another over-statement…but we do live together. By that I mean I make coffee at the house instead of going to coffee shops because, 1.) I’m a cheap ass and 2.) I don’t know how to speak coffee shop speak. I always end up just pointing at pictures of coffee on the menu, followed by grunting noises, and then flex my arm muscles so they know I want it strong. Example…

I know this looks kinda weird. Basically, I just re-used an image from a previous post. F.Y.I., there’s a small taco tattoo under that cup of coffee. If you're wondering what previous post I'm talking about you can check it out here.