Friday, April 7, 2017

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

I think there are 2 types of people in this world (not really but for the sake of this post lets say I do). People that shop at Wal-Mart religiously and everyone else. I’m not sure about you but I was raised a Wal-Mart person. We never ever went to Target. It could have been because there wasn’t a Target near us, or it could have been because apparently, Target was for, “…GOD DAMN PINKO, COMMIE LIBERALS!” I’ll let you decide if it was one or both of those. Either way, as a child I found that ‘Target/Liberals’ argument pretty fucking confusing because I was told that Louisiana is red state and supposedly that’s a good thing BUUUUT that red communists, Bloods, and Target employees were bad. On the flip side, blue states and Crips are also bad but Wal-Mart is AHHHHMAAAAZINNNGGG!!! To make matters even more confusing for me, my brother ended up going to a college where their school colors were BOTH red and blue.  

Personally, I wish everyone would’ve just had a simple 5-minute conversation before hand and color coordinated everything so it would have been easier for kid Casey to compartmentalize. BUT NO!!! So when I buy something at Target does that mean I’m a communist, Blood, living in a red state? Who fucking knows? Honestly, I just wanted to write that sentence because I’m willing to bet I’m the only moron to ever write it. But if it does make me a communist, Blood, living in a red state then I’m fine with that because Target has way better shit than Wal-Mart. Let those liberal, Crips enjoy their stupid Git R Done t-shirts on sale for a dollar. Confused yet??? Good! Now you and 7-year old Casey are both on the same page. But I’m getting off my point (what it is I’m not really sure but just go with me here…that is if you're still here).

The one thing I will give Wal-Mart is that when I went there as a child it was a family experience. Mom, Dad, my brother, and I would all pile up in the car on Saturdays and take a visit to the ole redneck mall aka Wal-Mart. We’d walk around the store as a family, stocking up on groceries, schools supplies, clothing, and anything that was on Rollback. It didn’t matter if we needed what was on Rollback or not, it was $1 so we’re getting it because it could be useful later. Most likely it wouldn’t be though. Which is why I have multiple Duck Dynasty shirts, pairs of camo shorts, both LSU and beer brand hats, and pairs of shoes that I’ve never worn before. Seriously, I could probably clothe a poor starving redneck family very easily. Overall though, I have very fond memories of going on those weekly trips to Wal-Mart with my family. To this day I could take you to our regular Wal-Mart and show you the exact spot where I almost got my ass beat on a weekly basis because I was begging for something Power Rangers related.

As I got older there was a brief period in my life where I tried to rebel against being a Wal-Mart person but I don’t think it worked very well. I mean I currently have a Wal-Mart credit card and I even worked there for a year or more as a janitor in Saginaw, Texas. In my time there, besides learning that the Wal-Mart parking lot is totally a viable place for truckers to have sex with lot lizards, I also learned/observed a few other things.
1.) Unless you work in the Vision Center or in a salaried position, Wal-Mart kind of does screw their employees on pay/hours.
2.) I still can’t figure out why Wal-Mart would sell ski masks in Texas in the middle of August and not see it as suspicious behavior when someone buys one. People have been detained for saying the word ‘bomb’ on an airplane but someone can walk into Wal-Mart, buy multiple pieces of fashion that screams “PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR CATS AGAIN BITCH!!!” and no one bats an eye. The whole time knowing that Texas has zero fucking ski lodges. 

3.) One of the head janitors that I worked with suffered from narcolepsy (which isn’t funny at all) but they let him drive the riding floor buffer (similar to the one in the above picture), which I found both inspiring and scary as fuck. Obviously it’s inspiring because he’s saying, “Fuck narcolepsy! It’s not going to hold me back from living my life!” But it stopped being inspiring the minute he’d fall asleep on the riding floor buffer and totally wipe out a Campbell’s Soup display in the middle of an isle (because I usually had to clean it up). Plus, I don’t know if you’ve ever had to run for your life from an out of control floor buffer driven by a dude that’s asleep, but I have. It was a bit like being in an action movie where you’re running from a car that’s about to run over you only AAAAAALLLLLLOOOOOOTTTT slower. 

Kind of like this actually…

And finally,

4.) What’s the deal with all the birds flying around the rafters in Wal-Mart? It would be nice if they could take care of that problem because it can really hurt a sale. This is coming from a dude who got pooped on by a bird while shopping in the frozen foods section. One minute I’m all like, “OOOOO Corn” then the next minute I’m all like, “EWWW Corn”. In the end, I had to put back the frozen dinner I was looking at because it was made by Bird’s Eye and I just couldn’t handle that shit.