Friday, April 14, 2017

Along Came a Spider…and Then I Totally Shit My Pants

Ok I didn’t really shit my pants, but damn near it. We’ll come back to that story in a second though. Honestly, I watch a lot of zombie related programming and personally I’ve always thought that if a zombie apocalypse happened I’d be fine. That is until one day I was in the middle of watching the Walking Dead/feeling a like I could be a zombie killing badass when out of nowhere a spider shows up and I have to be reminded that I have problems with trying to kill a spider and not being a bitch about it. And if I run into zombie spiders…forget about it! I’m totally screwed!

Anyways, back to the previous story. In the not so distant past, I found a spider in my bed and I COMPLETELY FREAKED MY SHIT! Partially because I just hate spiders, but mostly I freaked out because it looked an awful lot like the spider that I tried to kill 4 days before. I took a good swing at it with a flip-flop and winged it but it got away…injured, pissed off, and looking for vengeance (I can only assume). After our encounter, I had nightmares where I saw it lifting tiny spider sized weights and drinking it’s bug protein shakes in an effort to get strong enough to face me again. It probably also hung out, watching me while I slept and decided that my bed was where it would strike back. In hindsight, the lifting weights thing probably didn’t actually happen because when I went to squish the spider in a tissue it didn’t have the upper body strength to put it’s little spider arms out and stop me, like this… a warning, I thought about leaving the spider stain on my bed sheets to all future spiders of what could happen to them (like I’m the Vlad the Impaler of spiders), but I decided to just wash my sheets and bug spray my room instead. Someone told me to put out peppermint extract because apparently, spiders don’t like peppermint…but I think that any form of peppermint schnapps will really work (mostly because I’ll just drink it and hope they stay the fuck away...but mostly, mostly because I want to drink it).

Since that incident I’ve found two more spiders in my bed and have taken to sleeping in my car. I can really only see there being one of three explanations to this.

1.) They have all been completely different spiders that just happen to show up there (which is terrifying all on its own to know that my bed is a popular destination for spiders…like it’s their Cancun or something).

2.) It’s the same spider and somehow it just keeps regenerating itself and coming back from the dead like it’s the Jason Voorhees of spiders.

3.) They are all the descendants of the original spider and they’re out for revenge like they’re some kung fu master seeking vengeance for their father’s death. In that case, this could go on 200-300 more times.

Honestly, I would like to just believe that it’s chance, however frightening that may be, because I don’t want to think there are spiders out there that live by some moral code. All though it would make sense for spiders to live by an ideology like ‘eye-for-an-eye’ seeing as how they have 8 of them.