Friday, April 28, 2017

Flat Earth???

I don’t really like to get on the Internet and shit on people’s beliefs because that’s the kind of stuff a gigantic asshole would do, buuuuut here we go. Recently I’ve heard that some people still believe that the Earth is flat and I just don’t get it. I mean I consider myself a VERY progressive person. If I had a child that told me they were gay or transgender I’d TOTALLY be supportive and just love them even stronger…but if they told me they’re a ‘Flat Earther’ I’d have to tell them, “You get that shit out my house right now! This is a round house. I know it’s technically an apartment and in England, they call those flats but…fuck you!” Ok, probably not…I’d love my kids either way but the whole flat Earth thing would really hurt.

I thought those people were extinct and chronicled in museums next to the Dodo bird. Next thing you're going to tell me is that people still cure the common cold via blood letting. What’s that you say? Some people still do? Well, fuck me then! Maybe while we're at it, we should go back to using tapeworms for weight loss and curing hemorrhoids by using hot irons. Look it up, it was TOTALLY a thing and it still is only now it’s called a proctology exam. Ok, ok, that might be a bit of an over exaggeration, but so is sticking things up people's ass to “fix” stuff.


If you haven’t noticed (because I sure didn’t until now), the belief that the Earth is flat has made a resurgence of sorts in the past couple of years. Headed up by Tila Tequila and rapper B.O.B (cause those are the scholars that you want to listen to), the belief that the Earth is flat is what carrying around a tiny, tiny, tiny fucking dog and celebrities making sex tapes used to be (ok, probably not but Flat Earth B.S. seems to be rampant in the celebrity community). Basically what they believe is that the Earth is not round, it’s a flat disc (see above image). I hate to break it to ya’ though but a disc is still round fuckers (see other above image...I also believe it's spherical me crazy)!

The biggest argument for a Flat Earth that I’ve heard is that they can’t see the curvature of the Earth so there can’t possibly be one. The cross argument that I hear against that is Flat Earthers clearly have never been on an international flight. I’ll play middleman here. Personally, I’ve never been on an international flight, or any kind of flight for that matter so I’ve never actually seen the curvature of the Earth either but I believe that the idea of a Flat Earth is complete and total quackery. The reason I believe that is because you know what I have seen? The mother fucking moon and it’s round. As a kid, I looked up and stared at the Sun (what do you want from me, I was a dumbass kid…but I still didn’t believe that the Earth was flat) and it was round too. Now clearly I’m not a scientist (because apparently, I look at the Sun all naked eyed and shit) but I’m going to venture a guess that if those two are round then this bitch (sorry Earth) is probably round too. Of course, if you bring up the moon, Flat Earthers1 will probably cite the old theory that the moon is in fact made out of cheese and it got that way because “the cow” clearly jumped over it, DUUUHHH!

I mean, in 2017 we have technology that allows us to fly in an aircraft for 15 hours straight to Japan from the other side of the world, we have amazing gaming systems that allow you to play super realistic games while you tell a 13-year old in Finland that he’s a humongous piece of shit via headset (and of course he says back at that you’re dad must have been a candy ass because you’re a big ole bag of Feces Pieces), and we have handheld phones that send signals to space and (if you choose to) it can send back to you video footage of a dude completely railing a chick dressed in a slutty cat costume…but the Earth can’t possibly be round because THAT’S fucking impossible.

I’m not sure if the Flat Earth thing is a conspiracy theory or if it’s just a supremely outdated ideology but there’s another one that pairs with it. Bear with me though because it goes pretty far down the batshit crazy rabbit hole. Some people believe that the Earth is hollow, the center is accessible via elevators in the north and south poles, and that the Earth is full of giants/aliens/Nutella that we have to drill for like oil (ok, some of that may be paraphrasing but it all sounds equally as dumb).

1-In Microsoft Word, every time I type Flat Earthers I get a red line under it. EVEN MICROSOFT WORD DOESN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS LEGITIMATE!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

They Say You Can’t Go Home Again

It’s been quite a while but I finally went back and visited my old neighborhood. Actually, it was pretty uneventful. I’m not really sure what I was expecting. I guess I thought I would see 5-year old me in my Ninja Turtles sweater hanging out with the girl my age that lived one street over who wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, while my best friend ran around the neighborhood peeing everywhere (a fairly accurate snapshot from my life in 1991). None of that was there of course. I was just being nostalgic. Everything felt completely different to me now but it all looked the same, right down to the street name.

What’s that game everyone plays (well maybe not EVERYONE)? You take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on, put them together and you have your porn name. Well, I don’t need the whole pet name part because the street that I grew up on, Becky Lane, already sounded like the name of a porn star (or a stripper, which maybe actually be the name that the 5-year old stripper wanna be that I had as a neighbor is using now). However, if I add in the pet name…Poochie Becky Lane kind of ruins it.   

While I was in the area I also thought about visiting my old elementary school but wisely decided against it. I figured a 30-year old dude that no one knew, taking pictures in an elementary school parking lot seemed like a pretty horrible idea all the way around. Plus the whole, “I used to go here...I’m just taking pictures for nostalgia purposes” seems like what a perv would say to try and weasel out of getting caught, so I just decided to avoid the whole situation altogether. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

Booze Clues

Personally, I never realized that I had a drinking problem, until the last time I got SUPER drunk. Then I totally realized that I have a drinking problem, and that problem was that I got drunk and lost my fuckin’ phone. Since then I’ve completely re-evaluated how drunk I allow myself to get. Let me be clear though, it’s not THAT I got drunk and lost my phone. It’s HOW I got drunk and lost my phone.

I didn’t do like normal people and drunkenly lose their phones in someone’s car or in someone’s couch. I lost it in the woods…at night (yes, you read that correctly). If I haven’t mentioned it before, I live in the country. My next-door neighbors are a faction of opossums…and may I add, weirdest welcome to the neighborhood gift basket ever! Also, I only say they’re a “faction” because I’m not really sure what a large group of opossums are called. I’m just praying for my life that they’re not like a group of crows and they’re called a “murder”. If that’s the case GOODBYE FOREVER SLEEP!

Anyway, back to the point. How did I lose my phone in the woods at night you may be asking? The short answer…occasionally I hang out with people who like to drink and drive through giant mud holes in the woods at night. Stupid, I know! But they never ask me drive so I still get to be responsible (kind of) and they give me all the free booze I want, so if we did hit a tree I’d never know it. I swear nothing dubious happens though. I’ll stop defending it there because if I keep trying to defend it, it’s TOTALLY gonna sound like something dubious happens. Basically, all you need to know is I’m doing my part to help mend the post-Trump political divide between liberals (just me) and conservatives (everyone else) one shot of whiskey at a time. 
The whole night started when we made a trip to the liquor store/some guy’s house that had whiskey for sale (I won’t comment on if it was Moonshine or not, but in short…yes, yes it was). It really wasn’t as sketchy as I just made it sound…because he offered us a receipt afterward. That did two things for me, 1) it helped to kind of legitimize this establishment and 2) it totally turned me off because what’s the point in a liquor store offering to give you a receipt? I mean who’s like, “Oh I totally need a receipt for tax purposes, cause this is a business expense.” Who am I Don Draper?
Another thing is that I hadn’t had a drink in a while and I like to think I can handle my alcohol, even if it had been a while (and even thought it was moonshine that may or may have not been legal). That’s neither here nor there. Anytime I haven’t gotten drunk for a while when I finally do come back to drinking it’s like riding a bike. And by that I mean I usually I end up falling down a lot and wishing I had worn a helmet. Ironically every time I’ve ended up getting drunk and trying to ride a bike it always goes swimmingly. Also, I can’t swim…so take that however you want. 
What happened after we started drinking, I can’t remember. If I had to guess I would say that we decided to play a drinking game. If I were forced to venture a second guess I would say that game was Hide ‘N’ Go Seek and my phone is apparently the state mother f-ing champion.
What I do remember is waking up and immediately realizing that I didn’t know where my phone is. Anytime you wake up and realize you’ve lost your phone it’s a horrible, sinking feeling. Honestly, it's a lot like the beginning of 'The Hangover' only this time it's real because someone YOU love is gone (cause how else am I gonna discover dumb fucking memes while I apologize for drunk texts I made the night before?).

After looking everywhere a normal human being would, I had to eventually use the ‘Find iPhone’ app through another device. While doing this I remembered a fortune cookie fortune I received a few days before that said, “You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time”. Now that fortune is all nice and good but this is when I fully realized that fortune cookies are a crock of shit (truthfully I realized that WAY earlier but just go with me here).
A REAL fortune would have told me that because I “love a good time” in 24 hours I’d have to track it down my phone like a CSI detective looking for a missing body. And just like with finding a missing body on CSI, I should have started looking in the woods first. I did get an idea for a horrible TV detective show about people who lose their cell phones though. It’s called “Cold cell phone Case Files” and if you don’t solve it in 48 hours then most likely it’s battery is dead.
Eventually I did find my phone. It was lying in the middle of a gravel road in the woods. And much like a good scotch it was on the rocks, which is quite fitting because whiskey (of varying types) is what got me in the situation in the first place. After a full afternoon of combing a small section of Louisiana looking for it, when I finally did find my phone I felt the relief of what it must be like to narrowly avoid a pregnancy scare. Either that or I finally realized how Liam Neeson must have felt at the end of ‘Taken’. But that in its self feels slightly depressing because if I compare this incident to ‘The Hangover’ or ‘Taken’ then that means there will be two more shitty sequels of this for me to look forward to.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Average Cup-O-Joe

I’m not 100% sure about this but I think it’s a Hollywood stereotype that ALL badass dudes drink their coffee black. If that’s true then my biggest takeaway is apparently the only thing keeping me from being a complete and TOTAL badass is about half a cup of almond milk…also the fact that if it’s too hot it burns my delicate little tongue. Sorry, I just don’t have the leathery, belt-like tongue from eating glass, siphoning gas from vehicles, and other assorted things badasses do that allows me to drink hot coffee. I’m working on it though (I’m re-enacting every episode of MacGyver in chronological order).

I didn’t really start drinking coffee on a regular basis until around the age of 28. When I finally did it was probably good that I tried it at the house because that first cup was STRONG! I felt like I had freebased on ground up magical unicorn horns made out of the imagination of children. Ok, that may be an over-statement...but I did feel like it gave me a sixth sense that allowed me to hear colors. Of course, now I know that was all bullshit and I was just SUPER DUPER drunk on coffee, but at the time I thought I could listen to purple’s opinions on George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

This is an artistic interpretation of how I looked when I was strung out on coffee like a crack head.

Surprisingly, I still drink coffee. Actually coffee and I are now in a serious, long-term relationship and I think I'm in love. Ok, that’s probably another over-statement…but we do live together. By that I mean I make coffee at the house instead of going to coffee shops because, 1.) I’m a cheap ass and 2.) I don’t know how to speak coffee shop speak. I always end up just pointing at pictures of coffee on the menu, followed by grunting noises, and then flex my arm muscles so they know I want it strong. Example…

I know this looks kinda weird. Basically, I just re-used an image from a previous post. F.Y.I., there’s a small taco tattoo under that cup of coffee. If you're wondering what previous post I'm talking about you can check it out here.