Personally, I never realized that I had a drinking problem, until the last time I got SUPER drunk. Then I totally realized that I have a drinking problem, and that problem was that I got drunk and lost my fuckin’ phone. Since then I’ve completely re-evaluated how drunk I allow myself to get. Let me be clear though, it’s not THAT I got drunk and lost my phone. It’s HOW I got drunk and lost my phone.
I didn’t do like normal people and drunkenly lose their phones in someone’s car or in someone’s couch. I lost it in the woods…at night (yes, you read that correctly). If I haven’t mentioned it before, I live in the country. My next-door neighbors are a faction of opossums…and may I add, weirdest welcome to the neighborhood gift basket ever! Also, I only say they’re a “faction” because I’m not really sure what a large group of opossums are called. I’m just praying for my life that they’re not like a group of crows and they’re called a “murder”. If that’s the case GOODBYE FOREVER SLEEP!
Anyway, back to the point. How did I lose my phone in the woods at night you may be asking? The short answer…occasionally I hang out with people who like to drink and drive through giant mud holes in the woods at night. Stupid, I know! But they never ask me drive so I still get to be responsible (kind of) and they give me all the free booze I want, so if we did hit a tree I’d never know it. I swear nothing dubious happens though. I’ll stop defending it there because if I keep trying to defend it, it’s TOTALLY gonna sound like something dubious happens. Basically, all you need to know is I’m doing my part to help mend the post-Trump political divide between liberals (just me) and conservatives (everyone else) one shot of whiskey at a time.
The whole night started when we made a trip to the liquor store/some guy’s house that had whiskey for sale (I won’t comment on if it was Moonshine or not, but in short…yes, yes it was). It really wasn’t as sketchy as I just made it sound…because he offered us a receipt afterward. That did two things for me, 1) it helped to kind of legitimize this establishment and 2) it totally turned me off because what’s the point in a liquor store offering to give you a receipt? I mean who’s like, “Oh I totally need a receipt for tax purposes, cause this is a business expense.” Who am I Don Draper?
Another thing is that I hadn’t had a drink in a while and I like to think I can handle my alcohol, even if it had been a while (and even thought it was moonshine that may or may have not been legal). That’s neither here nor there. Anytime I haven’t gotten drunk for a while when I finally do come back to drinking it’s like riding a bike. And by that I mean I usually I end up falling down a lot and wishing I had worn a helmet. Ironically every time I’ve ended up getting drunk and trying to ride a bike it always goes swimmingly. Also, I can’t swim…so take that however you want.
What happened after we started drinking, I can’t remember. If I had to guess I would say that we decided to play a drinking game. If I were forced to venture a second guess I would say that game was Hide ‘N’ Go Seek and my phone is apparently the state mother f-ing champion.
What I do remember is waking up and immediately realizing that I didn’t know where my phone is. Anytime you wake up and realize you’ve lost your phone it’s a horrible, sinking feeling. Honestly, it's a lot like the beginning of 'The Hangover' only this time it's real because someone YOU love is gone (cause how else am I gonna discover dumb fucking memes while I apologize for drunk texts I made the night before?).
After looking everywhere a normal human being would, I had to eventually use the ‘Find iPhone’ app through another device. While doing this I remembered a fortune cookie fortune I received a few days before that said, “You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time”. Now that fortune is all nice and good but this is when I fully realized that fortune cookies are a crock of shit (truthfully I realized that WAY earlier but just go with me here).
A REAL fortune would have told me that because I “love a good time” in 24 hours I’d have to track it down my phone like a CSI detective looking for a missing body. And just like with finding a missing body on CSI, I should have started looking in the woods first. I did get an idea for a horrible TV detective show about people who lose their cell phones though. It’s called “Cold cell phone Case Files” and if you don’t solve it in 48 hours then most likely it’s battery is dead.
Eventually I did find my phone. It was lying in the middle of a gravel road in the woods. And much like a good scotch it was on the rocks, which is quite fitting because whiskey (of varying types) is what got me in the situation in the first place. After a full afternoon of combing a small section of Louisiana looking for it, when I finally did find my phone I felt the relief of what it must be like to narrowly avoid a pregnancy scare. Either that or I finally realized how Liam Neeson must have felt at the end of ‘Taken’. But that in its self feels slightly depressing because if I compare this incident to ‘The Hangover’ or ‘Taken’ then that means there will be two more shitty sequels of this for me to look forward to.