I don’t really like to get on the Internet and shit on people’s beliefs because that’s the kind of stuff a gigantic asshole would do, buuuuut here we go. Recently I’ve heard that some people still believe that the Earth is flat and I just don’t get it. I mean I consider myself a VERY progressive person. If I had a child that told me they were gay or transgender I’d TOTALLY be supportive and just love them even stronger…but if they told me they’re a ‘Flat Earther’ I’d have to tell them, “You get that shit out my house right now! This is a round house. I know it’s technically an apartment and in England, they call those flats but…fuck you!” Ok, probably not…I’d love my kids either way but the whole flat Earth thing would really hurt.
I thought those people were extinct and chronicled in museums next to the Dodo bird. Next thing you're going to tell me is that people still cure the common cold via blood letting. What’s that you say? Some people still do? Well, fuck me then! Maybe while we're at it, we should go back to using tapeworms for weight loss and curing hemorrhoids by using hot irons. Look it up, it was TOTALLY a thing and it still is only now it’s called a proctology exam. Ok, ok, that might be a bit of an over exaggeration, but so is sticking things up people's ass to “fix” stuff.
If you haven’t noticed (because I sure didn’t until now), the belief that the Earth is flat has made a resurgence of sorts in the past couple of years. Headed up by Tila Tequila and rapper B.O.B (cause those are the scholars that you want to listen to), the belief that the Earth is flat is what carrying around a tiny, tiny, tiny fucking dog and celebrities making sex tapes used to be (ok, probably not but Flat Earth B.S. seems to be rampant in the celebrity community). Basically what they believe is that the Earth is not round, it’s a flat disc (see above image). I hate to break it to ya’ though but a disc is still round fuckers (see other above image...I also believe it's spherical too...call me crazy)!
The biggest argument for a Flat Earth that I’ve heard is that they can’t see the curvature of the Earth so there can’t possibly be one. The cross argument that I hear against that is Flat Earthers clearly have never been on an international flight. I’ll play middleman here. Personally, I’ve never been on an international flight, or any kind of flight for that matter so I’ve never actually seen the curvature of the Earth either but I believe that the idea of a Flat Earth is complete and total quackery. The reason I believe that is because you know what I have seen? The mother fucking moon and it’s round. As a kid, I looked up and stared at the Sun (what do you want from me, I was a dumbass kid…but I still didn’t believe that the Earth was flat) and it was round too. Now clearly I’m not a scientist (because apparently, I look at the Sun all naked eyed and shit) but I’m going to venture a guess that if those two are round then this bitch (sorry Earth) is probably round too. Of course, if you bring up the moon, Flat Earthers1 will probably cite the old theory that the moon is in fact made out of cheese and it got that way because “the cow” clearly jumped over it, DUUUHHH!
I mean, in 2017 we have technology that allows us to fly in an aircraft for 15 hours straight to Japan from the other side of the world, we have amazing gaming systems that allow you to play super realistic games while you tell a 13-year old in Finland that he’s a humongous piece of shit via headset (and of course he says back at that you’re dad must have been a candy ass because you’re a big ole bag of Feces Pieces), and we have handheld phones that send signals to space and (if you choose to) it can send back to you video footage of a dude completely railing a chick dressed in a slutty cat costume…but the Earth can’t possibly be round because THAT’S fucking impossible.
I’m not sure if the Flat Earth thing is a conspiracy theory or if it’s just a supremely outdated ideology but there’s another one that pairs with it. Bear with me though because it goes pretty far down the batshit crazy rabbit hole. Some people believe that the Earth is hollow, the center is accessible via elevators in the north and south poles, and that the Earth is full of giants/aliens/Nutella that we have to drill for like oil (ok, some of that may be paraphrasing but it all sounds equally as dumb).
1-In Microsoft Word, every time I type Flat Earthers I get a red line under it. EVEN MICROSOFT WORD DOESN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS LEGITIMATE!!!