Thursday, March 9, 2017

Do You Know the Muffin Man?

During a considerable portion of my life, I’ve had what is commonly known as a muffin top, aka love handles, aka a spare tire, aka Cockblockie McGee. For years I’ve told myself that it’s ok because everyone knows the most delicious, sweetest part of the muffin is the top and that if anything I was actually a stud muffin. The past few years I’ve worked hard to get rid of it (and a sizable portion has gone away) but honestly, I still kind of have a muffin top. It’s not very big though so I just tuck it into the top of my pants like a dress shirt.

This isn’t specifically a discussion about me, however. More so it’s a discussion about the phrase ‘Muffin Top’ as it applies to men. After doing some research online I’ve found that a lot of places define a muffin top as a phenomenon that both men and women can have (obviously), but I’ve had some conversations with a few men who would prefer a “More masculine term”. So, dumb as this question may be, is there a better phrase out there for men?

Me during my Man Bun phase...

Man Bun would appear to be the best fit but the overwhelming numbers of hipster samurai that seem to be walking around now are already using it. Maybe when that hairstyle makes an exit from the social climate and goes to live in the hairstyle retirement home with the Mullet we can just re-use that phrase. For now, I guess we have to look in a different direction. With that in mind maybe it doesn’t even have to be something that sounds like it’s a part of the worst fuckin’ continental breakfast ever. Maybe the answer lies in other menu items. Perhaps the Chicken Potbelly Pie or Meatloaf Midsection could work. Or maybe it could be named after non-food related stuff that guys enjoy. Something sex-related like the Blowjob Pillow (ironically, a guy who never gets laid suggested this one to me). Or maybe the male version of the ‘Muffin Top’ is something car related like the Front Bumper or simply the Muffler Top.

All jokes aside, I hate the whole "let's attach a semi-body shame-ish phrase to people" thing that happens. Maybe we should just grant people, all people (not just guys afraid to say muffin top) the right to just be gloriously flawed humans...extra weight and all. But maybe that’s just too much of an idealistic thing to ask for. Either way, if you have a bit of extra weight stay strong, I’m with you!


Also, please don’t fall for shit like this (I speak from experience)…

That's right...I have man Spanx.  

By the way, here's a picture of me with my muffin top in all its glory (not a super recent photo though)...

See, total stud muffin!