Monday, March 6, 2017

Birds of A Feather

A lot of blogging experts say that if you want Google to be more open to your blog in search results then you should always write a minimum of 2,000-word length posts. While that’s good advice, I’d love to see how they suggest writing a 2,000-word post about being shit on by a bird and – midway – it not bore the reader to the point where they’d gladly take a duck deuce to the forehead if it meant they didn’t have to read another word. Basically what I’m getting at here is two things:

1.) Heads being pooped on by a bird is just the jumping off point here. Also, Heads literally good advice if you want to never be pooped on by a bird.

2.) We might not make not even make it to 1,000 words here so let me just go ahead and apologize in advance (because I’m sure it hurts your soul to the core that you’re probably not gonna get 2,000-words of total Casey-Awesomness).

So yea, not sure what the numbers are per capita on who HAS been crapped on by a bird vs. who HASN'T (wouldn’t think that’s a survey most people would want to take…unless they’re giving away free umbrellas) but I’m in the ‘Has Been Pooped On’ group. If it’s all the same to you though I think I’m gonna just going to move on. A bird using you for a toilet isn’t really something to brag about. I will say this…I’m really surprised that Angry Bird’s hasn’t used ‘Pooping on innocent bystanders’ as one of the bird’s weapons in the game. You know, seeing as how birds are pretty stereotypically known for that. Plus it would totally Yin Yang the game out…Angry Birds pooping on stuff and pigs happy as...well, pigs in shit.

This is a rough mock-up of what I would think the pooping bird from Angry Bird’s would look like. Sure it looks suspiciously a lot like the Twitter bird but it’s really the Twitter bird’s cousin. By the way, Congratulations state of Louisiana. This is the education you’re paying for, me to learn how to Photoshop the Twitter bird pooping (ok, ok, so it is the Twitter bird…ya’ caught me).

Not really sure what kind of bird it was that victimized me but if I had to guess I’d say it was a pigeon. Let’s be honest here, pigeons are straight up assholes! Last time I saw a group of pigeons walking around I watched them and I realized apparently, pigeons think they run the streets. And that’s when it hit me (no, not more bird poop). This is just a theory here but pretty sure a flock of pigeons is really just a bird version of a street gang. That means that instead of being pooped on I was actually the victim of a pigeon version of a drive-by shooting (a fly-by pooting if you will). It’s not just me either…apparently, Animaniacs thought so too…

Ok, I’m not really sure if that’s true or not. Most likely they were just a parody of mafia movies but you can see how I could make that jump. Expanding on my theory, I think if the pigeons that I saw walking around WERE a street gang then they were probably Crips. Partially because all of the pigeons had bluish colored feathers but mostly because I saw one sporting the tiniest adorable blue bandana. Also, he Crip walked off when I shooed him away. I think there was even an across gang romance because he ran over to his girlfriend-bird (A Robin), who I assumed was a Blood because she had red breasts. Also, that never actually happened…I made it all up. But I wouldn’t have had to if birds weren’t so damn boring to watch. Honestly, I don’t see how bird watching even became a hobby. It’s like they tried out other shit like ‘Reading the Dictionary in One Sitting’ or ‘Watching A Pot Roast Cook’ or ‘Waiting in Line During a Price Check at the Grocery Store’ as a hobby and it was just too exciting for them to handle so they had to find something less titillating (thus, bird watching).

As I sat there and watched these assholes of the air, I silently wondered to myself what a group of pigeons was ACTUALLY called. I know a group of crows are a ‘murder’ but I’m not sure what a group of pigeons is called, other than about $17.50 in car washes. I decided to Google it and 30 minutes later I knew that they were just referred to as a flock…also, apparently some people use to eat them. Now even though I would imagine eating a bird that shit on you might be the best form of revenge ever, I think people generally like birds that are a little easier to catch. I mean it can’t be a coincidence that the majority of birds that we eat are more or less flightless, right?

I mean chickens don’t really fly and they’re probably the most popular bird to eat. Everybody that’s not vegan eats chicken. Don’t believe me…FUN FACT: chickens are naturally cannibalistic. See, even chickens know they’re fucking delicious. In fact, people use to make chickens wear tiny red glasses because if they didn’t they would attack each other until they saw blood (I know I say A LOT of dumb shit but that’s actually true).   

People also love them some damn turkey. Truthfully, I’m pretty sure the fact that Turkey’s can’t fly is why they were dinner at the 1st thanksgiving. Otherwise, we could possibly be eating eagle on thanksgiving and our national bird would be the Turkey. Ok, I know that’s pretty ridiculous but so are glasses for chickens so I feel like we can let me have this one. All I’m saying is that if the puritans had colonized Antarctica instead of the America’s, we’d probably be having Penguin for Thanksgiving. Also, to clarify we’d probably never eat eagles because people see the bald eagle as the Chuck Norris of birds. In closing, here’s a picture I drew that I call 'Bald Bald Eagle' (again, congratulations Louisiana education system)…