Monday, March 13, 2017

BANG! ZAP! BLAM! KAPLOW!

In the superhero world there are various origin stories, but perhaps one of the most popular is the ‘I was just born like this’ X-Men style of story telling. However, when you actually stop to think about a world where tons of people are born with abilities, then it only makes sense that some are going to probably be sub-par. Basically, you’re going to have your A-Lister’s like Professor-X…then you’re going to have D-Lister’s and below (probably something like Professor-Text…he telepathically knows what you’re going to text him before you do it…but his powers are only useful in text messaging situations…also, some rates may apply). Other second-rate superhero names might be something along the lines of, ‘Wears-Shorts-Comfortably-During-The-Winter-Months Man’ or ‘Captain Pull My Finger’ or ‘The Silver Fox’ or ‘The Amazing Resting Bitch Face’.


I say this knowing full well that I would fall into the sub-par category. However, as someone who has psoriasis, this would be PERFECT for me. Instead of feeling like I have to explain what’s going on with my skin I can just say it’s my superpower and call it a day. I mean sure there would be some cons…like the fact that I’d probably have to hang out with other shitty superheroes. Like these assholes (these are REAL comic book superheroes by the way)…

Arm-Fall-Off Boy

    
The Codpiece


Of course, if I’m going to be a superhero I have to have things like a name and a backstory. Here’s what I’m working on…

Possible Names
-The Moisturizer
-Sir Riasis
-Super Flaky (Not a reflection on if I show up for things, though. I’m actually super punctual.)

Weaknesses
-Dry Weather
-Alcohol (cause it can dry out your skin, not cause I’m an alcoholic or nothin’.)
-Tacos

Villains
-The Dehydrator
-That asshole that completely bought CVS out of lotion that one time. 

Powers/Abilities
-Regenerative skin cell abilities…but that’s where the similarities that I share with Wolverine stop.
-Lotion gun
-Lotion bombs
-Basically, anything that enables me to shoot lotion at someone.

Origin Story
-I was Bitten by radioactive dandruff, end of story...NOW LET'S BLOW SHIT UP!!!

OR

-I’m from the planet Lubriderm 7 (a dry, red, slightly inflamed planet, 2 planets away from Babylon 5. Fun fact: Lubriderm 7 is named after the Roman God of itchy skin). I was sent here as a baby because my planet was destroyed. I was adopted and raised in a small country farm town. I now live in a major metro area. By day I work for the city newspaper under my alter ego…ok, midway through writing this I received a cease and desist letter from Superman’s agent. Never mind.