Call me crazy but I want to bring back the codpiece. I know it sounds dumb but really it would serve multiple purposes. It’s most obvious function is to protect Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers1, because who wouldn’t be thankful after a close call or two. Things that include (but not limited to) something that sounds as staged as a stray football striking you in the dick as you are strolling through the park trying to enjoy your day (America’s Funniest Home Video's style), or something as simple as you taking a seat and your pants pinching/squeezing the boyz (I spell it with a ‘Z’ because mine are currently trying to update their image to a much cooler one than they previously had).
If the codpiece is successful in making a comeback I’m not talking about some weirdo ass shit like this either. If you search ‘Modern Codpiece’ you will find plenty of bad codpieceing examples. By the way, just noticed that ‘Modern Codpiece’ totally sounds like a magazine for 21st century codpiece enthusiasts. Maybe they’ll give use a write up if they realize I’m only here for support…much like a codpiece (also, no one would ever eat cod fish again, probably). BTW, I think that is TOTALLY that dude from the Twilight movies see…
Also, a codpiece would also help to protect society. How you may ask? Well, I will tell you! Three words: Awkward Public Erections. That’s right, I said it! I’m sure there’s probably someone out there who gets erections in public at inopportune times (cough * cough * puberty * cough * cough). That’s where the codpiece comes into play. Its job would be to shield the world from any awkward erections in public, and honestly who doesn’t want protection from erections (it should be in the Constitution)? Also, as an added bonus it makes your junkular region appear more prominent…without looking like you're carrying around a flashlight in the front of your khakis (I never said how big of flashlight though). Sure some might call it false advertising but whatever gets customers to the merchandise I always say (that’s also why I would probably run a horrible business).
Now that the general pitch is out of the way, let's talk marketing shall we? If the codpiece is to make a comeback it has to be a multifunctional piece of technology, because catching the eye of the tech community is the only way this can work. Other than being essentially something that keeps freak accidents from happening to your assorted nuts, it would have additional features.
-USB ports so you can charge your cellphone
-Supports: IOS, Bluetooth, hands-free use, GPS, and of course your testicles.
-Can be used as a personal Wi-fi hotspot.
-Can be synced up with your phone so you can receive your email and texts through it. Plus, every time you get an email or a text and it vibrates that might be kind of fun. Also, you get to make as many ‘Text-ticles’ jokes that you want.
-It can totally replace your wallet. Other than the ‘main compartment’ it has additional places to store cash, drivers licenses, and other cards. In addition, it can be synced to your Apple Pay account. To use, simply wave your crotch over the pay pad at any establishment and viola!
-Additional features: retina display, 6 full TB of RAM (you know what the fuck I mean…nudge, nudge, wink, wink), 12-megapixel/Facetime HD camera, and fingerprint sensor for added protection.
-Comes in Gold, Silver, and Space Gray.
Now that the main specs are out of the way, let's talk names. Really I only have 3 so I’m open for suggestion. The first is the “Bone Phone” (NOTE: Can’t make phone calls unless you, 1.) sync with your cell phone, and 2.) are comfortable talking directly into your crotch in front of people). The second name is the “Apple Smart Crotch” (basically, owning up to the idea that it’s like the Apple Smart Watch only for your junk. Based off of this it could also be a cock ring…but with changeable dick bands). And the final name (and my personal favorite) is “The iCod” (also available in the iCod S and the iCod Plus for the bigger fellas).
1=If you don’t like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, other testicle/band euphemism replacements are as follows:
The Rolling Stones
Hootie and the Blowfish
They Might Be Giants
The Goo Goo Dolls