Monday, January 23, 2017

The BROmuda Triangle - a tale of Hot Sauce, Chicken Shit Bingo, Mead, and Vintage Porn in 3 parts

Part 1
Awhile back I went to visit some friends and I got lucky because apparently that was the weekend of several chip and dip related festivals in the city. This helped me to realize a few things. One, the main course better be fucking phenomenal if we’re building it up with 3 days of appetizers. Two, chip companies should totally change their serving sizes from a ‘chip count’ system to a ‘handful’ system. As in serving size of tortilla chips: two handfuls, 160 calories. That’s a much better system in my opinion. The third thing I realized (once I got home from the festival), I think my bathroom scale should be a politician cause it lies to me on a regular basis. It’s either my scales fault or quite possibly my ‘handful’ chip serving size system that I have officially adopted.    

            I didn’t make it to the queso festival, which was unfortunate for multiple reasons. I mean yea, I fucks wit da queso but so does every other lactose tolerant person on the planet so that’s not a very extraordinary reason. However, I would have loved to go solely because queso kind of sounds like my first name and there for I feel an extra close bond to it. Unfortunately, it’s in pronunciation only which is why I’m am officially changing the spelling of my name to Quesey (pronounced Casey). Hell I may even do like Prince and just change my name to a symbol, like a tortilla chip with queso on it. Also, I would have loved to go just so I could dust off my Nacho Man Randy Savage costume and hit some bitches with the “QUESOOOOOH YEAHHH!!!”

            I did make it to the hot sauce festival though. The hot sauce festival, like any other dip related festivals are tricky events for me. Mainly since I’m the type of guy who, as soon as I put on a clean shirt I immediately get stuff on it, because apparently no one ever taught me how to eat food right. But I think it goes a little deeper than that, after considering that at one point during the festival I actually said to myself, “This shirt was clean when I put it on and I already got guacamole on it? Wait a second. I didn’t even have guacamole today! That festival is tomorrow! What!?!” Then I spent the rest of the festival convincing myself that my shirt is like the McFly family photo in Back to the Future only in reverse. Instead of siblings disappearing because they were never born, it’s showing me a stain that hasn’t even happened yet so I can keep it from happening in the future (lamest Back to the Future sequel ever BTW).

Other Notable Mentions from the Hot Sauce Festival

I got a (temporary L) tattoo of a taco on my bicep so that every time I flexed my muscle it went from a soft taco to a TACO SUPREME!!! You can’t tell me this wouldn’t have gone amazing with my Nacho Man costume!

You know there’s a whole lot of cigarette smoking, cheating on homework, and premarital sex happening on that bus!

This is Hank the Car Dog. I saw Hank at the parking lot of the hot sauce festival. I wanted to photoshop in the Shaggin’ Wagon from Dumb and Dumber to look like it was doggy stylin’ ole Hank here but it was taking too damn long (sorry). Just use your imagination.



TO BE CONTINUED...(PART 2 ON WEDNESDAY)