Monday, January 30, 2017

More Shit You Ain’t Gonna Find At Wal-Mart

I’m not sure if you saw my last post regarding a certain shopping app that takes up a fair amount of my time (if you haven’t you can view it here If you are up to date however, then you know that I scour this app in search of the strangest shit I can find. They have products for all kinds of people, no matter what kind of weird ass mood you may be into.

For every time your phone tells you there’s a NEW IOS update, right after you JUST updated to the last IOS and you’re really starting to understand that thing about why doctors hate apples.

For the record, this isn’t actually something you can buy on this app. I’m just kind of pissed at my phone right now and I thought that by saving this picture on my phone it would send it a message (or an SMS if you will) not to fuck with me. If you’re wondering, the real product was a screen protector. Before I saw that it was for screen protection I had so many questions... 

1.) Is this some iPhone hitman service for hire? Obviously not because hitmen are called hired guns, not hired knives. 

2.) Why is the knife smaller than the phone? That’s not very intimidating. Then again, all knives are smaller than people and they’re still pretty intimidating. 

 3.) If this isn’t an iPhone hitman service and someone is just stabbing their phone all willie nillie, WHY WOULD SOMEONE STAB THEIR PHONE? 

Then I got ANOTHER IOS update message and I totally understand why.

For those times when a 5-inch tall woman wants to have sex with your gearshift, because who hasn’t been there, am I right fellas?


Just remember, before you shift into the gear of love…

…always make sure you cover your shifter with some weird, multi-colored condom like thing. Because the last thing you need is for some 5-inch tall chick to get preggers with your gearshift babies. Especially because you’re only a Hyundai, YOU CAN’T AFFORD NO BABIES!!!

For people who don’t know what discretion is.


First off, I’m so glad that they felt like they had to write ‘PIPE’ inside of the pipe just so you know for sure that it’s a DAMN pipe, and not just a tiny, tiny saxophone. Glad we got that mess cleared up. Secondly, why in the in the hell would someone post in the ‘Reviews’ section a picture of their pipe with their bag of weed right above their photo and name?


For those times you feel like calling Doc Brown from 'Back to the Future' on his shit!


All you do is Duck Tape one of these to one of those…

…then add a couple of these bad bitches and KABLAM!!! You have a house fire. But just for fun lets look at a diagram of the time warp we WOULD have gone though shall we…

…as you can see we start on one side, then we enter the space-time continuum in the middle, taking us to the other side where we feel the “Butterfly Shock”. The “Butterfly Shock” is where we “feel oppressive at the same time give you the pleasure of orgasm”…shit this isn’t a diagram of the time warp. This is just horribly worded product literature from this Chinese sex toy...

…if it helps though, I believe it’s called ‘The Fucks Capacitor’. And it might still be able to suck you into another time, just not the one you originally thought.

For when you feel like doing this weirdo shit.


Apparently 'ear candling’ is actually a thing. I’ve found it in other places online, but it just looks so fucking ridiculous I decided to kept it in.

For those times you want to make your genital shaped pillows look like a family taking its yearly portrait for their Christmas card.

Say cheese everybody!

And those family photos go handsomely with the kid's first photos right after they were born.

Congratulations, it’s a boy!

Quickly followed by twins!

Or you can pretend you caught a giant Penis Fish...

Practice telling your friends you, “Caught it in the cock infested waters off the coast of Cancun. During spring break some consider it a delicacy.”

Or you could just do this if you have Photoshop

It’s called Ear Mandling!

For those times you apparently want to kill your sibling via a shit load of beanbag chairs, plus a flying elbow off the top turnbuckle

Fuck you Denise!!!

Be warned though, they won’t supply the beans for the beanbag chairs though...

“Sooooo, can I get some beans or not?”

For those times you want to re-enact the deleted scenes from “Ghost”


What, you thought all they did was make shitty pottery?

And finally this...

Even the cat knows this is wrong!