Monday, April 24, 2017

Booze Clues

Personally, I never realized that I had a drinking problem, until the last time I got SUPER drunk. Then I totally realized that I have a drinking problem, and that problem was that I got drunk and lost my fuckin’ phone. Since then I’ve completely re-evaluated how drunk I allow myself to get. Let me be clear though, it’s not THAT I got drunk and lost my phone. It’s HOW I got drunk and lost my phone.

I didn’t do like normal people and drunkenly lose their phones in someone’s car or in someone’s couch. I lost it in the woods…at night (yes, you read that correctly). If I haven’t mentioned it before, I live in the country. My next-door neighbors are a faction of opossums…and may I add, weirdest welcome to the neighborhood gift basket ever! Also, I only say they’re a “faction” because I’m not really sure what a large group of opossums are called. I’m just praying for my life that they’re not like a group of crows and they’re called a “murder”. If that’s the case GOODBYE FOREVER SLEEP!

Anyway, back to the point. How did I lose my phone in the woods at night you may be asking? The short answer…occasionally I hang out with people who like to drink and drive through giant mud holes in the woods at night. Stupid, I know! But they never ask me drive so I still get to be responsible (kind of) and they give me all the free booze I want, so if we did hit a tree I’d never know it. I swear nothing dubious happens though. I’ll stop defending it there because if I keep trying to defend it, it’s TOTALLY gonna sound like something dubious happens. Basically, all you need to know is I’m doing my part to help mend the post-Trump political divide between liberals (just me) and conservatives (everyone else) one shot of whiskey at a time. 
The whole night started when we made a trip to the liquor store/some guy’s house that had whiskey for sale (I won’t comment on if it was Moonshine or not, but in short…yes, yes it was). It really wasn’t as sketchy as I just made it sound…because he offered us a receipt afterward. That did two things for me, 1) it helped to kind of legitimize this establishment and 2) it totally turned me off because what’s the point in a liquor store offering to give you a receipt? I mean who’s like, “Oh I totally need a receipt for tax purposes, cause this is a business expense.” Who am I Don Draper?
Another thing is that I hadn’t had a drink in a while and I like to think I can handle my alcohol, even if it had been a while (and even thought it was moonshine that may or may have not been legal). That’s neither here nor there. Anytime I haven’t gotten drunk for a while when I finally do come back to drinking it’s like riding a bike. And by that I mean I usually I end up falling down a lot and wishing I had worn a helmet. Ironically every time I’ve ended up getting drunk and trying to ride a bike it always goes swimmingly. Also, I can’t swim…so take that however you want. 
What happened after we started drinking, I can’t remember. If I had to guess I would say that we decided to play a drinking game. If I were forced to venture a second guess I would say that game was Hide ‘N’ Go Seek and my phone is apparently the state mother f-ing champion.
What I do remember is waking up and immediately realizing that I didn’t know where my phone is. Anytime you wake up and realize you’ve lost your phone it’s a horrible, sinking feeling. Honestly, it's a lot like the beginning of 'The Hangover' only this time it's real because someone YOU love is gone (cause how else am I gonna discover dumb fucking memes while I apologize for drunk texts I made the night before?).

After looking everywhere a normal human being would, I had to eventually use the ‘Find iPhone’ app through another device. While doing this I remembered a fortune cookie fortune I received a few days before that said, “You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time”. Now that fortune is all nice and good but this is when I fully realized that fortune cookies are a crock of shit (truthfully I realized that WAY earlier but just go with me here).
A REAL fortune would have told me that because I “love a good time” in 24 hours I’d have to track it down my phone like a CSI detective looking for a missing body. And just like with finding a missing body on CSI, I should have started looking in the woods first. I did get an idea for a horrible TV detective show about people who lose their cell phones though. It’s called “Cold cell phone Case Files” and if you don’t solve it in 48 hours then most likely it’s battery is dead.
Eventually I did find my phone. It was lying in the middle of a gravel road in the woods. And much like a good scotch it was on the rocks, which is quite fitting because whiskey (of varying types) is what got me in the situation in the first place. After a full afternoon of combing a small section of Louisiana looking for it, when I finally did find my phone I felt the relief of what it must be like to narrowly avoid a pregnancy scare. Either that or I finally realized how Liam Neeson must have felt at the end of ‘Taken’. But that in its self feels slightly depressing because if I compare this incident to ‘The Hangover’ or ‘Taken’ then that means there will be two more shitty sequels of this for me to look forward to.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Average Cup-O-Joe

I’m not 100% sure about this but I think it’s a Hollywood stereotype that ALL badass dudes drink their coffee black. If that’s true then my biggest takeaway is apparently the only thing keeping me from being a complete and TOTAL badass is about half a cup of almond milk…also the fact that if it’s too hot it burns my delicate little tongue. Sorry, I just don’t have the leathery, belt-like tongue from eating glass, siphoning gas from vehicles, and other assorted things badasses do that allows me to drink hot coffee. I’m working on it though (I’m re-enacting every episode of MacGyver in chronological order).

I didn’t really start drinking coffee on a regular basis until around the age of 28. When I finally did it was probably good that I tried it at the house because that first cup was STRONG! I felt like I had freebased on ground up magical unicorn horns made out of the imagination of children. Ok, that may be an over-statement...but I did feel like it gave me a sixth sense that allowed me to hear colors. Of course, now I know that was all bullshit and I was just SUPER DUPER drunk on coffee, but at the time I thought I could listen to purple’s opinions on George Orwell’s ‘1984’.

This is an artistic interpretation of how I looked when I was strung out on coffee like a crack head.

Surprisingly, I still drink coffee. Actually coffee and I are now in a serious, long-term relationship and I think I'm in love. Ok, that’s probably another over-statement…but we do live together. By that I mean I make coffee at the house instead of going to coffee shops because, 1.) I’m a cheap ass and 2.) I don’t know how to speak coffee shop speak. I always end up just pointing at pictures of coffee on the menu, followed by grunting noises, and then flex my arm muscles so they know I want it strong. Example…

I know this looks kinda weird. Basically, I just re-used an image from a previous post. F.Y.I., there’s a small taco tattoo under that cup of coffee. If you're wondering what previous post I'm talking about you can check it out here.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start

I’m not really sure where I stand on video games honestly. Lately, I’ve been playing WAY more games than normal, but it ebbs and flows for me. One thing I wasn’t quite prepared for though was the fact that, apparently there are people out there who put their online video gaming account names on the bathroom wall (as in…"For a good time Xbox live me at CrazyDickMcGee73.”) Don’t believe me, check this out…


Yep…that’s TOTALLY written on a urinal.

By the way, I’m aware I could have gotten a more panned out photo of all of this but more important factors I had to keep in mind for these shots were: 1.) I was in a bathroom (probably looks a bit weird to be taking random pics in the bathroom so I tried to make it quick), and 2.) my junk was out. And if we’re being honest here, I wanted to take and post a dick pic to my blog about as much as all of you would want to see that. So you’re welcome. And people told me taking a Photography class wouldn’t come in handy. First thing they teach you in Photography class, make sure your dick is out of frame.   

As far as games that I have been playing, I think I want my character that I created in ‘South Park: The Stick of Truth’ to be my new driver’s license photo. Truthfully, it looks so much like me (minus my beard) that it’s a bit scary...
I created this guy because I look like him for the most part, but I also I really like to wear vests and awkwardly pose in my bedroom too.

…It was a bit disheartening however that this avatar was one of the first ‘white dude characters’ that came up in the game. Basically, it’s made me realize that the way that I look is essentially the default white guy choice in most games/in life.

In the past few months, I’ve probably played 20+ games (mixture of Xbox 360/1 and Sega Genesis), which is pretty impressive when you consider before that I probably had only beaten maybe 3 console games in my life. Most of my gaming in my 20’s was via apps on my phone. Basically, what that translates too is I spent A LOT of time playing Angry Birds. Mostly at the end of drunken nights right after I just finished eating a bag of 2 for $1 Jack-In-The-Box tacos but before I completely passed out. In doing so I really only have two thoughts on that game. One, I bet Angry Birds is a completely different app in England. And two, I’ve always wondered if those little green pigs were the love children of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Now that I think about it, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy smushing their genitals together really explains a lot of shit. 1.) the Angry Birds pigs, 2.) it explains where the hell Dr. Seuss found green ham, and 3.) I’m pretty fucking sure that in some alternate universe Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog are Yoda’s parents (I mean, dude sounds just like her).  

However, recently (around console game #22) something happened that I didn’t expect. I had a game almost completely ruin my life. Ok, that’s probably a bit of an overstatement. In reality, I probably should have been paying closer attention. Either way, I kinda feel like I should stop playing ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’. The only reason I say that is because one day I kind of confused me actually being if traffic for me playing GTA 5 (in my defense there is a fuck ton of driving in that game). Basically, at a stoplight I caught myself daydreaming about driving my car into traffic just so I could hijack a better car, then driving it down to a strip club so I could buy some drugs and have sex with a stripper. Followed by a quick robbing of a liquor store, then capping that off with a brisk high-speed police chase. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I noticed I didn’t have a tiny map in the left corner of my screen. That and there was some dude behind me honking and yelling, “DRIVE ASSHOLE!” I don’t recall that happening on GTA 5.

There’s a game call ‘Farming Simulator 17’. That means there are 16 more. What this tells me is that apparently anyone can come up with a game that seems boring as fuck but they just slap ‘Simulator’ on the end of it and it gets made. The following are some suggestions to the makers of the ‘Farming Simulator’ franchise, just incase they’re interested in making some more boring ass games.
               -Watching Paint Dry Simulator
-Listening to someone with a Really Monotone Voice Give a 2-Hour Speech Simulator
-Waiting In Line at the DMV Simulator
-Rush Hour Traffic Simulator
-Filing My Tax Returns Simulator
-Doctors Waiting Room Simulator
-Watching People Play Video Games Simulator
-Small Talk Simulator