In my 20’s I was pretty into conspiracy theories. I’m not sure if I ever really believed them or not, I just found them interesting to read (still occasionally do). Honestly, I think the thing that made it hard for me to believe any conspiracy theories is that most of them are pretty fucking wacky. I mean, sure you may read a few that sound fairly reasonable like there was possibly a second gunman on the grassy knoll, but right after that you read shit like, “Katie Perry is actually Jon Benet Ramsey” or “Justin Bieber is actually a lizard person”. Lizard people, really? Maybe they just have moderate to severe plaque psoriasis and haven’t talked to a doctor about Stelara yet (calm down, I have psoriasis so I can say that…I use Cosentyx though).
Also, there are people that read tabloids like Weekly World News that says shit on the covers of them like, “Bear fathers child with a Massachusetts woman; child believed to be Big Foot 2.0. In a related story, real Big Foot marries El Chupacabra and settles down in small Texas town (headline written over a wedding photo of Big Foot in a tuxedo and El Chupacabra in a wedding dress holding flowers). To support his new family Big Foot opens sandwich shop, makes one hell of a big foot long. Sources say he makes sandwiches so incredible people won’t believe they exist.”
Seeing as how there is a percentage of the population out there who believes some of these theories, I have a few of my own to add to the tin foil hat wearing zeitgeist...
-The Build-A-Bears, a group of the world’s most elite meet up at a Build-A-Bear workshop in the mall to plan that years major world events. Sometimes they’re also known as the Build-A-Burger’s and they meet up at Fatburger for lunch.
-The secret origins of the spooky Denver Airport. No one claims to know who built it and that’s because I believe no one actually did. Anyone who has seen the episode of South Park entitled “Kenny Dies” (episode 13, season 5) knows that Cartman grew his own Shakey’s Pizza with the help of stem cells. I believe that Eric Cartman from South Park used this stem cell technology to grow the Denver Airport and all of the freaky shit that’s inside of it. (For those that don’t believe me, both South Park and the Denver Airport are located in Colorado so it has to be true right?)
-The Pretty Illuminati or the Illumihottie. They are a super secret group of pretty people who control the world allowing pretty people to have whatever they want. The Pretty Illuminati are controlled by a small tribunal of people with names like Declan, Briar, Sloane, and shit like that. They tirelessly travel the globe in search of new members, ultimately deciding if people are Illumihotties or Illuminotties.
-The Earth is not actually filled with magma, but there is a shit ton of Nutella in there.
-Kim Kardashian’s butt has a secret alien base located on it.
-And finally…Elvis is, in fact, alive and he shares a condo in Boca Raton with his roommate 2Pac. From that condo, they collectively write every single pop song that’s been on the radio in the past 20 years.