Monday, May 22, 2017


In my 20’s I was pretty into conspiracy theories. I’m not sure if I ever really believed them or not, I just found them interesting to read (still occasionally do). Honestly, I think the thing that made it hard for me to believe any conspiracy theories is that most of them are pretty fucking wacky. I mean, sure you may read a few that sound fairly reasonable like there was possibly a second gunman on the grassy knoll, but right after that you read shit like, “Katie Perry is actually Jon Benet Ramsey” or “Justin Bieber is actually a lizard person”. Lizard people, really? Maybe they just have moderate to severe plaque psoriasis and haven’t talked to a doctor about Stelara yet (calm down, I have psoriasis so I can say that…I use Cosentyx though).  

Also, there are people that read tabloids like Weekly World News that says shit on the covers of them like, “Bear fathers child with a Massachusetts woman; child believed to be Big Foot 2.0. In a related story, real Big Foot marries El Chupacabra and settles down in small Texas town (headline written over a wedding photo of Big Foot in a tuxedo and El Chupacabra in a wedding dress holding flowers). To support his new family Big Foot opens sandwich shop, makes one hell of a big foot long. Sources say he makes sandwiches so incredible people won’t believe they exist.” 

Seeing as how there is a percentage of the population out there who believes some of these theories, I have a few of my own to add to the tin foil hat wearing zeitgeist...

-The Build-A-Bears, a group of the world’s most elite meet up at a Build-A-Bear workshop in the mall to plan that years major world events. Sometimes they’re also known as the Build-A-Burger’s and they meet up at Fatburger for lunch.

-The secret origins of the spooky Denver Airport. No one claims to know who built it and that’s because I believe no one actually did. Anyone who has seen the episode of South Park entitled “Kenny Dies” (episode 13, season 5) knows that Cartman grew his own Shakey’s Pizza with the help of stem cells. I believe that Eric Cartman from South Park used this stem cell technology to grow the Denver Airport and all of the freaky shit that’s inside of it. (For those that don’t believe me, both South Park and the Denver Airport are located in Colorado so it has to be true right?)

-The Pretty Illuminati or the Illumihottie. They are a super secret group of pretty people who control the world allowing pretty people to have whatever they want. The Pretty Illuminati are controlled by a small tribunal of people with names like Declan, Briar, Sloane, and shit like that. They tirelessly travel the globe in search of new members, ultimately deciding if people are Illumihotties or Illuminotties.

-The Earth is not actually filled with magma, but there is a shit ton of Nutella in there.

-Kim Kardashian’s butt has a secret alien base located on it.

-And finally…Elvis is, in fact, alive and he shares a condo in Boca Raton with his roommate 2Pac. From that condo, they collectively write every single pop song that’s been on the radio in the past 20 years.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Throwing Money Around Like A Monkey Throwing Shit

I’m trying to be better with money than I have been in the past. A lot of my 20’s were filled with bad decisions and bad decisions have to be funded somehow right? Probably my first and worst financial decision happened at a strip club. Long story short, 19-year old me spent $800 on a stripper in one night because I thought she liked me. Sure it was an $800 lesson but I learned multiple things in the process so I prefer to look at it more like I just bought 3 separate $266.67 lessons at the same time. The first is that anytime a stripper says she likes you she really doesn’t (NO EXCEPTIONS) and the second is that apparently, I’m pretty accepting when it comes to things like gunshot wounds on women (so basically I'm probably cool with anything as long as the woman is cool with me). Really I should question why I’m ok with being with a women who would put herself in the position to get shot, but who am I to judge really (I've almost been shot before)?
Even though I’m pretty open and accepting I did find my line because it’s one thing to be ok with a stripper that has a gunshot wound but it’s something completely different to be ok with one who has a shotgun wound. And while those things may sound the same they’re completely different (because scatter-shot, that’s why). The third and final lesson that I learned is this: strippers may seem nice at first but they’re actually pretty vicious. They’re like Velociraptors1 covered in glitter. They’re fast, aggressive, and have sharp claws used for hunting that can rip your face clean off.
Here we see the rare and previously unknown Brontowhoreus.

Looking back at it I really wish I would have kept that $800 and learned those lessons another way. Not because it wasn’t fun. Mostly because through my 20’s I was almost always chronically broke. I did whatever I could to get some money. Like everyone, I’ve tried playing the lottery hoping to win that big cash prize. There were times though that I couldn’t afford to play the lottery and eat at the same time. So during those times, the McDonald’s Monopoly game was my lottery. There was also a short time in my 20’s where I was the victim of identity fraud. Luckily they didn’t get a hold of my credit card info, just my debit card. Those must have been the worst criminals ever. I just imagine them searching through people's accounts and when they got to mine their all like, “BINGO! $25! IT'S PAY DAY BITCHES!!!” My bank eventually gave me a new debit card with one of those electronic protection chips in it (which was kind of reassuring). It was really nice to see the lengths they were willing to go to for me to keep my remaining $.78 from being stolen too.
The one good thing to being broke in that situation is when you lose everything you don’t really have that far to go to get it all back. I could have just worked as a mall Santa during Christmas and at least been close to that. Because of that whole fiasco, I got to a point where I stopped trusting banks for a little while. Anytime that I would get a little money instead of putting it in the bank I just kept it at my apartment. My hiding place for my cash was in a box of condoms in my room. I figured it was the safest place because at that point in my life no one went in there, not even me. I felt like it was probably a good idea to keep the condoms and money together too, you know in case of emergencies…or hookers…or hooker emergencies…or emergency hookers (sorry, I’m not sure where this trailed off to). Either way, I knew that because my condoms weren’t being disturbed by literally anyone that the money would most likely be pretty safe.


1.Spell-check doesn’t recognize Velociraptor as a real word. So I guess Microsoft Word is like one of those religious conspiracy theorists that believe dinosaurs never existed. 

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Have Good, Will Travel

Apparently, you can find everything at Goodwill if you look hard enough. And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! With that in mind I think instead of actually going out and really doing things with my life I’m just going to go to Goodwill and find things to pass off as my own life accomplishments. You see, between my writing things that people may or may not read, my procrastinating to write things that people may or may not read, and my binge-watching marathons of the Simpson’s or Are You Afraid of the Dark, I’m a busy person. So busy in fact that I don’t have time to actually get out there and experience life or make my own memories, but I still want to look like I’m someone who does. That’s why whenever I go to Goodwill I carry my shopping/bucket list with me. In fact, I’ve recently started a souvenir plate collection from some of the places I’ve “visited”.

Galveston Island

St. Mary Lake, Montana


And how could I forget about my “trip” to Canada 

Alberta most certainly DOES have it all (and by Alberta I mean Goodwill)

I know it’s not a souvenir plate but here’s my t-shirt from Pennsylvania 
“Intercourse is for lovers!”

And when guests ask about my trips I’ll act as thought it was only yesterday that I visited these places but in my head, I’ll have a much different reaction.

GUEST: “I didn’t know you’ve been to Alberta and Wyoming!?!”

ME IN MY HEAD: “Honestly I haven’t but I have been to Goodwill. It’s lovely this time of year. You should go sometime!”

ME IN CONVERSATION: “Oh Yea! Lovely, lovely places! You should go sometime!”

GUEST: “Oh and you have 2 masters degrees, one in theater and one in husbandry!”

ME IN MY HEAD: “Yep, from Goodwill University. And it only cost me $2.00. I bought the frames and got to keep the degrees that were in them for free.”

ME IN CONVERSATION: “Ah yes, my Master's degree in husbandry. You would think I would have a wife by now seeing as how I went to school to actually be a husband, wouldn’t you?” 

And later I would come to the realization that that last statement should have also been in my head. Ahh, what fun that will all be thanks to Goodwill.